Chapter 12 Kill Five of Them!
Li Yundong waited until Zhou Qin had entered the dorms before he turned back to Su Chan. Believe it or not, Su Chan was still staring at the front entrance of the female dorms as if Zhou Qin was still there. "Hey, she's gone. What are you still staring at?"
Su Chan released a happy sigh and began mumbling to herself: "Hm, let's see, let's see. Perfectly proportioned figure, check. Thick brows and chiseled nose, check. High forehead, check. Wow, her facial features are basically perfect. Ooh, her Renzhong has the perfect width and depth too. Hm... what else? Narrow waist and wide hips, check. My, my, what an ideal dinglu!" (T/N: Renzhong is an acupoint between the nose and the upper lip; dinglu refers to a woman who nurtures her Yin Qi to be absorbed by a man through intercourse)
Okay that, was creepy as hell, Li Yundong thought. "What's the matter with you?" he said, touching Su Chan's forehead. "What are you mumbling about? What's with all that ideal dinglu crap?"
Su Chan tore her gaze away from the dorms and said, "Oh, I was just praising her."
The look of incredulity in Li Yundong's face was as real as the sun in the sky. "Praising her? What do you take me for, huh? An idiot? I know what a 'dinglu' means, okay? I've watched the 'Lethal Weapons of Love and Passion' before."
"Oh, so you already know then?" Su Chan said, batting her lashes. "That's splendid." Without ado, Su Chan grabbed Li Yundong's arm and began to drag him away from the crowd.
Once they were several feet away from the crowd, Su Chan stopped suddenly and glanced around. Li Yundong saw a sly glint in her eyes when she leaned in to whisper into his ear: "Yundong, you should pursue her! Such a high quality dinglu cannot be missed!"
As far as Su Chan could tell, Li Yundong didn't seem very interested in the art of Cultivation at the moment. She didn't want to keep pestering him about it either lest her true intentions be exposed. That was why she had to find another way to boost the Yuanyang inside Li Yundong's body before the Jindan's effects dwindled.
When Su Chan observed Zhou Qin's physical attributes earlier, she came to the conclusion that Zhou Qin's body contained a rare and pure form of Yin Qi known as Chun Yin. On the other hand, the Jindan's Qi inside Li Yundong's body was Chun Yang, a rare and pure form of Yang Qi. If she could get Zhou Qin and Li Yundong to sleep together, it would bring huge benefits to Li Yundong through a process known as Yin Feeding. (T/N: Yin Feeding is a process where a man feeds on a woman’s Yin Qi through sex)
Having Li Yundong feed on Zhou Qin's Chun Yin was, beyond a shadow of a doubt, a good way to indirectly boost Li Yundong's Yuanyang. (T/N: Yuanyang is the core component of Yang Qi)
The only flaw in Su Chan's plan was that she had failed to consider the problem from a non-Cultivator's perspective.
When Li Yundong heard Su Chan's suggestion, he nearly fell over.
What?! Pursue Zhou Qin?! What the heck is this girl even saying? How could she encourage me to hit on Zhou Qin? Li Yundong thought, gaping at Su Chan.
Is she just testing me? Or is she really that simple-minded?
Or maybe she doesn't really give a shit about me... Why else would she encourage me to hit on other women?
A long moment passed with neither of them saying a word, until Li Yundong suddenly turned around and walked away. When he did, the look on his face was as though he was holding a thousand lemons inside his mouth.
Puzzled by the sudden change in Li Yundong's demeanor, Su Chan followed behind Li Yundong obediently. "Did I say something wrong again just now?" she muttered under her breath. "But I didn't say anything wrong at all. That beautiful woman carries Chun Yin inside her body. She's definitely a one-in-a-million dinglu. Any Cultivator who practices Karmamudra would kill for a dinglu like her..." (T/N: Karmamudra means the art of Cultivating through sexual intercourse. Refer to glossary of terms for a more in-depth description)
Wait, could it be that he isn't attracted to her? Su Chan thought. No, no. That can't be right at all. The girl is so beautiful! Master said that all men are lustful creatures...
While Su Chan was driving herself crazy with her thoughts, Li Yundong was damn near the point of insanity as well. The entire journey through the campus ground was spent in a stifling silence with the both of them grasping at straws to figure out what was going on in the other's head.
Passing through the campus gates, Li Yundong suddenly slapped his thigh. "F*ck! Our groceries are now gone because of those sons of bitches!" he yelled. "What the hell are we supposed to eat tonight!"
It was as though a giant boulder had been lifted off Su Chan's shoulders the moment she heard Li Yundong's voice. At least he's still talking to me, Su Chan thought, heaving a sigh of relief. "Can't we just buy them again?" Su Chan asked.
Li Yundong released a cynical laugh. "Go back to that market again you mean?" Li Yundong said. "Forget it. I'll never set foot in that f*cking place again!"
Su Chan's thought patterns were different than those of a normal human being, which was why she usually came across to others as being slow-witted. However, that couldn't be further from the truth. In fact, she already had a vague sense that she was the reason behind Li Yundong's foul mood.
Li Yundong halted his steps the moment he felt a gentle tug at the hem of his shirt. He turned around and saw Su Chan staring up at him guiltily. "I'm sorry," Su Chan said, looking down at the ground. "You ran into so much trouble because of me..." Moments passed in silence. Li Yundong didn't even know what to say. Suddenly, Su Chan raised her head and stared at him with those huge, puppy dog eyes which Li Yundong decided would be his undoing. "Just yell at me then," she said.
Li Yundong sighed inwardly. Don't be stupid. How could I ever yell at you? It was true. Li Yundong wouldn't be able to yell at her no matter how mad he was. Not after seeing that piteous look on her.
Li Yundong smiled and said, "Come on. Let's not eat at home today. Let me take you to McDonald's."
"Mac Doo Nurls? What's a Mac Doo Nurls?"
Li Yundong laughed. "Fast food. Ever heard of fast food?" When Su Chan didn't answer, Li Yundong explained, "Think of it as the simplest and most convenient type of food you can get."
"Is it delicious?"
Li Yundong paused in thought. "It's okay, I guess," he said. "You'll know after your first try."
Without further ado, Li Yundong led Su Chan towards the nearest McDonald's, which was only a ten-minute walk from Tiannan University.
It was noon, and the sun hung in the sky like a massive, glowing roulette. The weather was stifling hot, so much so that the surface of the ground was actually steaming a little.
As she followed closely behind Li Yundong, Su Chan took in her surroundings and indulged her curiosity. While doing so, she marveled at the contrast in the topography between the city and the mountains where she came from. Here, there were as many skyscrapers as there were greeneries in the mountains. While wild beasts crawled along muddy paths and leaped across trees inside the mountains, metal containers with wheels rolled along the roads here. Everything was almost antithetical to the environment she was raised in.
Rather than feeling overwhelmed by the unfamiliarity of her surroundings, Su Chan found herself feeling excited. To her, everything she was experiencing at that moment was new and fresh. The novelty of the experience stoked the flames of her curiosity, which manifested itself in the bright grin on her face as she dragged Li Yundong around, bombarding him with endless questions.
Su Chan's excitement affected Li Yundong positively as well. Her smile was like a balm, cooling and refreshing him despite the heat of the sun. Soon, the frustration and doubts he'd been feeling earlier were gone.
The pair spent the journey laughing and chatting merrily as though they hadn't been chased down by a bunch of knife-wielding thugs a while ago.
Eventually, McDonald's came into view, so they stopped their chatter and made a beeline towards the restaurant. A long bench was set up beside the restaurant's glass door. McDonald's signature mascot sat on top of the bench, and beside the mascot's yellow-clad thigh was some kind of box. Li Yundong ignored the red-haired clown and reached for the door handle. Li Yundong had just opened the door by an inch when three things happened simultaneously: the clown leaped up from the bench; the lid of the box popped open, and the head of a mouse sprung out from inside the box; Su Chan jumped.
The clown's head snapped backwards, and he fell flat on his butt. The jack-in-the-box clattered to the floor where it lay with its lid open. The spring-loaded mouse head bobbed in and out of the box endlessly.
Li Yundong couldn't believe his eyes when he saw that Su Chan had just delivered a mean right hook to the poor clown's nose. Li Yundong released his hold on the door handle and hurried towards the fallen mascot. "Hey, are you alright?" he said, crouching down.
If Li Yundong had not tried to help the clown up from the ground, he wouldn't have realized just how skinny and petite the costume wearer was. The red-striped fabric of the costume collapsed inwards like a punctured balloon the moment Li Yundong's fingers wrapped around the clown's arm, proving just how tiny the arm was. However, it all clicked a moment later when he heard the clown's moan. "Oww..."
Hm? A girl?
Li Yundong felt even worse now that he knew it was a girl behind the clown costume. Giving Su Chan an exasperated look, he said, "What are you still standing there for? Apologize."
Su Chan pouted, her lips protruded outward and upwards, almost like the chamber of a tobacco pipe. "She's the one who startled me," Su Chan grumbled.
McDonald girl removed the fake nose from her face and massaged her real nose, which was now red and sore. "It's fine, I'm used to it anyway," she said softly. "I probably won't be needing the fake red nose if this happens a few more times."
Li Yundong chuckled, surprised by the girl's ability to joke about her brush with a broken nose earlier. "You're too forgiving for your own good," Li Yundong said. "I bet it'd take a lot to piss you off. Why did McDonald's hire a girl to become their mascot anyway? And it's like a furnace out here, yet you're wearing that thick costume. You sure you can handle it?"
Crack lines spread across the white paint on the girl's cheeks and forehead when she smiled. "Well, you do what you've gotta do to earn a living!" the girl said. "It's all good. I'm fine now. You guys should head inside. Just order more food if you really want to make it up to me."
Li Yundong returned the girl's smile. "We will," Li Yundong said, then paused in thought. "How about we buy yours too? After all, we're the ones at fault here."
The girl waved him off. "Nah, I'm good. Thanks though."
Well, guess she's really alright. Li Yundong stood back up and walked towards Su Chan. Stopping in front of Su Chan, Li Yundong stared at her face for a while, then sighed. What am I going to do with you...
Su Chan stood there with her head hung low, raising her head occasionally to steal glances at Li Yundong. She looked like a child who'd just been caught doing something wrong.
Su Chan felt that she'd been treated unfairly. It wasn't even my fault! she thought, peeved by the fact that everyone was acting as though she was guilty, which she definitely was not. None of this made sense! She had merely spent a few days in the mortal world, yet she'd already made more mistakes than she had over the decade she'd spent in the mountains! Yep, totally ridiculous.
Su Chan felt a gentle pat on her head. She raised her head and saw Li Yundong sighing. "Forget it," he said. "Let's go grab a bite."
When they entered, the place was jam-packed with customers. Li Yundong walked past the long queue at the counter towards the tables with Su Chan following him like a puppy. Needless to say, Su Chan had begun turning heads the moment she walked through the door. Men leered at her, fascinated by her innocent charm and the sultriness she exuded in spades. She was the only woman they'd seen who could walk around in a traditional dress and still looked sexier than a half-naked bikini model.
Ignoring the looks of envy —pretty hard to ignore— from the men, Li Yundong led Su Chan to an empty table near the Play Place. (T/N: McDonald's Play Place is playground thing for children ages 3-9 and are located inside most McDonald's restaurants around the world) Once they were both seated, he said, "Wait here for me, okay?" He then stood back up and went to queue up at the counter.
Li Yundong left the counter with a tray containing two Big Mac Combos and two ice cream cones. He set the tray down on their table and took a seat across from Su Chan. "Try this," he said, handing Su Chan an ice cream cone.
Su Chan took the cone and studied it curiously for a few moments. A grin formed on her face the moment she licked it. "So sweet!" she said.
Li Yundong chuckled. "That's true," he said. "McDonald's uses imported ingredients for their ice cream cones. That's why theirs are way better than the ones you find in KFC."
Not that Su Chan was paying attention to what Li Yundong was saying. She was too busy destroying her ice cream with her tongue.
Li Yundong stopped talking immediately when he noticed Su Chan's ice cream induced oral fixation. At first, he thought she looked totally adorable with her small tongue darting all over the surface of the ice cream. Until his nether regions started to take over, that is.
The white surface of the ice cream was a huge contrast to the redness of Su Chan's lips and tongue. And when Su Chan's tongue began swirling around the ice cream, and her mouth sucking gently, Li Yundong damn near creamed his pants.
A lewd smile formed on Li Yundong's face. "I wonder if you'd lick me the same way..." Li Yundong mumbled softly. "F*ck, I'd probably die if that ever happened... There are worse ways to go, though..."
"What? I didn't catch that," Su Chan garbled, her mouth full of ice cream.
Li Yundong didn't answer until he heard a loud crunch when Su Chan bit off half of the ice cream's wafer cone. Li Yundong cleared his throat and put on a serious face. "It's nothing! Let's eat!" Li Yundong adjusted his suddenly-very-tight pants and squeezed his legs together. This girl is gonna be the death of me, Li Yundong thought when he considered the case of blue balls which awaited him. Heck, his balls were already hurting a little.
Su Chan gave him a strange look. "Such a weird guy," she mumbled.
Li Yundong rolled his eyes inwardly. I'm weird?! he thought. Hello? I think you're weirder!
By the time Su Chan finished the cone, the lower part of her face, including her cheeks, was covered in ice cream, the sight of which filled Li Yundong with amusement. "Wipe," Li Yundong said, handing her a napkin.
Su Chan's face scrunched up in puzzlement as she took the napkin. "Why?" she asked.
They stared at each other for a few seconds.
Oh what the hell, Li Yundong thought, taking the napkin back. Then, he stood up and bent over to clean Su Chan's face with the napkin.
Su Chan giggled and allowed Li Yundong to clean up her face. "You look so silly right now," she said.
Li Yundong chuckled and sat back down. "I'm silly?" he said, tossing the crumpled napkin onto the tray. "I think you're sillier, like a silly little kitten."
Su Chan snorted. "I'm not silly. I'll have you know that I'm the Fox—" She paused, her head snapping up to look at Li Yundong. Then, she cleared her throat. "I mean, I'm the smartest among my people. Even my master praised me!"
Su Chan turned away with a grimace, sticking her tongue out. Crap! Can't believe I nearly gave my secret away! Idiot!
Li Yundong chuckled and said, "You're smart? Is that so? Okay, then. Here's a question for you. Let's say there are seven birds on a tree. If I shoot one dead, how many birds will be left on the tree?"
Su Chan glared at Li Yundong. "You're testing me with a question that simple? Are you trying to piss me off? Six birds of course!"
Li Yundong burst into laughter. "No, silly. There won't be any birds left on the tree! The dead bird will fall off the tree while the rest will get scared and then fly away!"
Su Chan gaped at Li Yundong, her eyes as wide as saucers.
A moment later, she bit down on her bottom lip in displeasure. "That doesn't count. Give me another one."
I swear, you're the only one who would get all excited when you hear lame jokes like this. People usually just roll their eyes, Li Yundong thought. He cleared his throat and said, "Fine then. Seven birds on a tree. Shoot one dead. How many birds are there left?"
Su Chan was fuming at this point. "But that's the same question! There won't be any birds left, of course!"
Li Yundong chortled. "You idiot! There's one bird left! The one lying at the bottom of the tree!"
Su Chan slapped the table and sprang to her feet. "Now you're just messing with me! You told me the first time that there won't be any birds left!"
"Ah, ah, ah," Li Yundong said, wagging his index finger a few times. "But in the second question, I asked how many birds are left, not how many birds are left on the tree. Which means you have to count the dead bird at the bottom of the tree!"
Su Chan stared back at him stupidly. "How can it work like that?"
Seeing her blank expression, Li Yundong laughed and said, "Okay. So there's one dead bird at the bottom of the tree, right? Do you know how that bird died?"
Su Chan felt an instant surge of anger. Didn't you just tell me that it was shot to death?
Su Chan opened her mouth and was about to start yelling, but something made her pause. It's another trick... she thought, her anger dissipating in an instant. "H- how did it die?" she asked instead.
Li Yundong guffawed. "Oh, you silly girl! It died of silliness, of course!"
Su Chan went into a daze, which lasted for quite a while. Her beautiful face was scrunched up in confusion when she spoke next: "But it was shot to death! How could it have died of silliness?"
At this point, even the people sitting at the other tables burst into laughter.
"Because you're so silly you could die, you silly bird!" Li Yundong said, reaching out and pinched her nose. (T/N: It is common in Chinese to call someone a 'bird' when joking or scolding)
"Ow!" Su Chan smacked Li Yundong's hand away and sat back down with an angry huff. "I'm ignoring you. You're just a bully! You're the silly bird!"
Peals of laughter resounded in the whole restaurant courtesy of Li Yundong and the other customers. With each chuckle, the blush on Su Chan's cheek deepened a shade.
The glass door of the restaurant opened and in came mascot girl. This time, she was carrying a fruit basket instead of the jack-in-the-box. From the door, she headed straight towards the Play Place, where thirteen kids were having fun. Once there, she spoke to the kids: "Hey, guys. See what I have here? There are eight apples! But there are thirteen of you! Hm... I wonder how we should split them up..."
These kinds of activities were common in McDonald's and KFC restaurants. The girl's intention was to give the kids a moral lesson about respecting the elders and loving the young. At the end of the day, it didn't matter whether the older kids gave up their apples to the younger ones out of love or the young ones gave up theirs out of respect. Those who didn't get an apple, in the end, would be given an apple too.
Alas, Su Chan wasn't too happy with Li Yundong's teasing earlier. She refused to accept Li Yundong's claim that she was a silly bird. In other words, she had an ax to grind.
Clang! Su Chan stood up so abruptly that her chair slid a few inches away from her legs. "I know how to divide the apples!" she announced proudly.
Mascot girl looked at Su Chan strangely. However, social decorum dictated that she play along. "How should we divide them then?"
Su Chan's face lit up in glee. "Kill five of them!"
The effect was instantaneous. It was as though someone had pressed a mute button on a remote — the entire restaurant plunged into silence.