Chapter 554
Chapter 554: Chapter 554
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I put my head down on the table with my arms spread for a while. Shortly after, I slightly raised my head.
“Actually, it isn’t a big deal even if I don’t return home right away since all I’m doing wrong is not answering the phone call and just going home late. If I show my parents this broken phone and tell them, ‘Sorry, I was outside, seeing my friend!’ they will just nag me, and that’s it,” I uttered.
“Yeah.”
“So, the point is that nothing really matters even if I go straight back home and live my life as if nothing has happened. But, I don’t know how long I can close my eyes to the harsh words they said in the past which still lingers in my mind…”
Although Yoo Chun Young didn’t respond at all, I just kept murmuring alone.
“However, if I bring up this story to my parents, I’m afraid I’m borrowing trouble. We’re usually arguing a lot, so I can be stirring up a hornet’s nest, referring to something that happened years ago. That’s what scares me… a little…”
Then I kept my mouth shut. There was soon a moment of silence around the table. Burying my cheek onto my arms, I just rolled my eyes and directed them to Yoo Chun Young. He was remaining silent, fixing his gaze at the table.
Well, to think of it, Yoo Chun Young could find it hard to relate to my story. Regarding the history of his family that Eun Hyung told me a couple of times, his environment was considerably different from mine.
Not only had he been receiving much love and attention from his parents and two older brothers, but Yoo Chun Young also grew up as the youngest and dearest son of the two distinguished families.
Taking this into consideration, I seemed to understand why our classmates in our middle school senior year had treated Yoo Chun Young like their little brothers more than they did to Jooin.
Due to his parents, there was something slightly gloomy about Jooin; however, Yoo Chun Young wasn’t at all. Thus, when it came to Yoo Chun Young, everyone tried to give something to him, instead of taking the things he got.
Eun Hyung also told me once about his hypothesis, the reason why Yoo Chun Young became expressionless and keeping a poker face.
‘Probably because all his family members have overreacted to Chun Young.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘If Chun Young beckons or gives someone a look, they are all so desperately wanting to become the first person to give him joy or get him things, so maybe that has pressured him too much. It can be the reason why Chun Young is extremely suppressing his emotions and staying cool and calm.’
So to speak, Jooin had realized his charms from the people around him showering incessant affection on him; that’s how he improved himself acting cute, whereas Yoo Chun Young began to become a blunt person as possible.
Would Yoo Chun Young also have words left unspoken to his parents for years? I wondered for a minute, but Yoo Chun Young bearing something in mind was hardly imaginable.
However, who knows? Just in case, I asked, “Do you also have something left unsaid to your parents for years or anything like that?”
“No,” he replied immediately.
Heaving a deep sigh, I banged my head on the table and thought, ‘Yeah, of course.’
The first thing that came to my mind was how fortunate Yoo Chun Young was, but soon it was followed by a different thought.
In fact, Yoo Chun Young could have nothing lingering in his mind against his parents simply because they were likely to be good people. However, wouldn’t it be possible probably because of his straightforward character?
Then I became confused again.
‘No, hold on. Maybe the opposite?’ I thought. Since Yoo Chun Young’s family might have spoken openly to each other in honesty, that family atmosphere could have influenced Yoo Chun Young to grow up as a candid person.
‘Then perhaps our family atmosphere is half of the reason why I’ve become a person always groaning inwardly… no?’
It was my first time to think about the possibility. Our family always compared me to Yeo Ryung or other kids no matter what I said, so it made sense at some point.
‘Hmm, I see. This can be a good excuse to make for Eun Jiho who always urges me to change my stuffy personality,’ I thought but shook my head again.
No, even if it was my parents’ fault to raise me as a too-serious-and-little-fun kid, putting my effort into fixing my character was the most necessary in the end, instead of myself just making excuses.
Rambling all kinds of thoughts in my mind, I felt sad and frustrated again.
While I was lost in thought, changing my facial expressions this way and that, Yoo Chun Young, staring at me, dropped me a question.
“Now what?”
“It’s just… I wonder how I’d have turned into if I grew up in a different family.” I replied.”
Yoo Chun Young looked curious as to if he was thinking about how the subject of my thoughts had reached that extent.
I added some needless explanation, “I mean you know, they say our childhood years mostly shape our personalities.”
“Yeah.”
“If some parts of the incidents that occurred in my childhood didn’t exist, what would have happened? I’ve been questioning those in my head.”
Quarreling with my parents, we raised our voices and spoke rudely to each other. Most of them took place due to my grades.
Anyway, conflicts with parents during childhood could aggravate the situation and break a kid’s heart. Even a single word that slipped out of someone’s mouth during a trivial fight could linger in a kid’s mind and would stay there forever. Some also said, if we go through such a painful period, our state of mind could become permanently stuck in that situation.
Quietly resting my chin on my palm, I continued, “However, I don’t have a choice to choose such things to happen. Besides, back in the days, I was too young to cleverly face those troubling situations, so I wasn’t able to solve them properly by myself.”
“…”
“Ah, I don’t know how to explain this. It’s like… I want to be a pure white teddy bear, but I can’t since the fabric is already stained to become the plush toy I want. That’s how I feel right now.”
To me, the original Ham Donnie of this world, who escaped from her situation while completely letting off her memories of Ban Yeo Ryung, seemed comprehensible.
I wished the times I had suffered from my pain and wounds were utterly gone––not even existing in the first place. If that was possible, those times could be spent more usefully and meaningfully, and therefore, I could have grown up into a smooth and less defensive person.
In the end, the teddy bear metaphor embodied my slight fear and frustration about not being able to become a good person at all. Perhaps, I could never be an effortlessly charming and simple person like Yoo Chun Young.
Those thoughts then embarrassed me to have such gloomy and painful memories, those that I wanted to hide from other people.
Sinking my head on my chest, I scolded myself, ‘Jesus, this is driving me nuts! Why did I say those words to Yoo Chun Young? Why didn’t I just keep my mouth shut? He and I are already like chalk and cheese, so what’s the point of further explaining the difference between us?’
That was when Yoo Chun Young, who just quietly listened to my story for the whole time, finally opened his mouth.
“… I get that you’re having a hard time with the memories that came back to your mind.”
I couldn’t even take a guess of his words soon-to-follow. Feeling so scared, I quickly cut him off.
“Ah, no, just ignore the things I said today. I’ve been complaining too much, right?”
Disheveling my hair, I continued, “Um, I know that I kept whining about the bad things of my past in which I looked for fault in shaping my personality so negatively. But to think of it again, I’m just blaming my past over and over. In fact, what matters is our attitude––how we accept things. So, in the end, this is who I am; I am my own experiment. Sorry for the crap, argh, I was being so pathetic…”
I laughed exaggeratedly, then tried to get up from my seat as soon as possible, but the glass of orange juice that I didn’t even take a sip of came into my view.
‘I won’t be able to leave this place unless I finish drinking this.’ With that thought in my head, I tried to stretch out my hand to it. That moment, Yoo Chun Young detached his lips again.
“From earlier, I have no idea why you keep talking that way.”
My heart sank. Yoo Chun Young seemed angry. That was what I thought. Although he wasn’t able to understand others’ negative emotions for most of the time, at least, he was considerate enough to let his feelings unrevealed. However, Yoo Chun Young was now refusing to show me his attentive character. It proved that he was now upset.