Chapter 469 - Hopelessly Damned
Vera saw him take a sharp and deep breath. Then abruptly, he turned back to face her, swiftly bending over and slamming his big hands onto the bed, effectively trapping her petite frame between them. His eyes were radiating a fierce intensity that beamed down at her.
"No… don't!" He was shaking his head so ferociously. "Do not do this, little Red." His voice came out in a tight whisper. "Don't do this."
"Why?! Why can't I? If you let me… I can…" Vera frowned a little before questioning his response to her. She did not understand why it was so hard for him to accept what she had said. In her mind, she did not think she was asking for much.
His jaws hardened, his hands on the bed clenched the sheets so hard that if he were to exert a little more pressure, they would surely rip under his handling. "You'll only hurt yourself, Red. You won't… you will never be able to find that happiness you longed for with me. So, don't go and invite yourself anymore suffering –" Gideon tried his best to reason it out with her, using words that she would understand – hopefully.
"Nothing will hurt me more or make me suffer more… than having you sending me away from yourself, cutting me off and not allowing me to be next to you." She broke off, her tears starting to drop before they turned into a clear river that tracked twin paths flowing down her gently sloping and silky cheeks. "Nothing on this earth's surface and under it can ever make me happy… but you –" Vera claimed with an impassioned whisper. However, Gideon heard it loud and clear as a bell tolling right next to his ears.
"No, don't say that! Damn it!" he hissed out in exasperation. Not knowing what kind of words he could say to Vera that could make her understand where he was coming from or what he wanted her to do. "You're only saying that because you're just infatuated with me. Because you think I'm the kindest creature you have ever met. You are seeing me as your savior, just because I jumped in front of you to stop you from killing someone. I'm not. I'm nowhere near that kind as you think I am, Red. I'm not anyone's savior. In fact, I'm the exact opposite of what you think I am. Believe that. I am not worth you suffering for." He kept trying to convince her.
A sharp breath left his mouth and then his eyes gentled a bit as he tried to control his emotion that was starting to spin out of control again. "Do not worry. Your feelings… they will eventually subside over time, believe me… hearts are ever so deceiving and ever changing. You will be fine without me, eventually… I'm sure you will. Just give it some time." A cynical smile curled at the edges of his lips as he said that.
Vera shook her head stubbornly as her eyes never left his face, wiping away at her own tears now. "If what you said is true, then those words… they also apply to you, right? Am I right? It is either you believe your own words… If not, you are trying to lie to me. Isn't that right?" Vera challenged him.
Gideon was rendered speechless at her clever retort to his reasoning before he bit down on his lips and drew in another round of deep breaths. He was now looking as though he was struggling so hard to keep his ground. But in the end, his will seemed to have prevailed.
"Listen…" his voice seemed breathless now as he cupped her small face in his large hand. "I'm a seriously f**ked up creature. I know myself and I am telling you this. I am damaged and hopelessly damned to the core."
Vera's eyes widened at his ferociously dark words, and she responded with a frantic shake of her head. She could not think of him that way.
"It's the truth, Red." He said as he wiped her tears away with the ball of his thumb, a small smile flashed on his face. "So don't waste your time on someone who does not even have any future. You can't…" his voice died down.
"What… what do you mean you don't have a future?" Vera's eyes looked alarmed now as she clutched and held onto his wrist, causing Gideon to press his lips into a tight line. She could see how he looked like he had regretted what he had just told her. Her nervousness increased as he did not say anything. "Tell… tell me, what do you mean…"
"Shh…" Gideon's thumb pressed on her lips ever so gently. "I mean there's nothing in my future but darkness." Something incredibly heartbreaking gleamed in his eyes as he looked at her. "Nothing at all. And no one… and nothing can change that. Because I am the one who chose that kind of future for myself. And no matter what happens, I have no plan to change its course… no one can make me change my mind too. No one, Red, not even you." And he smiled at her, one that held a wealth of care and concern for her.
Their eyes held each other's for what seemed like a long time. Those words, coupled with that look in his eyes in that moment… it hurt so badly. But Vera knew right then that he did not need to say anything more to shut her down, completely.
And Vera just reached out and just hugged him tightly to her. It was like she was trying so hard to cling onto something that was bound to slip from her arms forever.
She wished he only said those words to discourage her, to force her to give up on him. But she knew that he was not telling her lies. She could sense that every word he had told her was beyond serious and it breaks her heart over and over that she can no longer do anything about it. This man was firm in his decision.
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