So You’re Such A Doctor Song

in hangzhou, ruan yang passed the cab driver the address that xin ziao gave her the moment she got off the plane.

“this place is a little far,” the driver said. “however, it was quite popular a few years ago. there aren’t many people going there now.”

ruan yang was puzzled. “what place is this?”

“do you know the movie the general?” the driver asked.

ruan yang was stunned. suddenly, she felt as though something was strangling her.

the driver smiled and said, “the general wasn’t popular when it first aired but almost the entire country watched it because ruan yang went fully naked in the film. the place you’re going to is where ruan yang filmed her nude scene.”

“really?” ruan yang finally understood why xin ziao would say that that place was the most unforgettable place for her. indeed it was. however, she really didn’t expect him to give her this address.

what was that supposed to mean? to add salt to her wounds and trigger her memory?

she suddenly hated him. why couldn’t he have used a better method?

there was a split second when she wanted to tell the driver to not go there. however, just as the words were at the tip of her tongue, she somehow couldn’t spit them out.

perhaps she should go and take a look, to look at what a sorry state she used to be in.

it was just like rotting meat. she couldn’t go on ignoring it. instead of ignoring it, she should just cut it off. it might be very painful, but slowly, the wound would heal.

the driver in front was still going on and on. “i watched that movie too. now that i mention it, ruan yang’s figure is really good. and after that, no matter what movie she starred in, i would always be reminded of the general.”

ruan yang sank back into her seat slowly. she felt as though every inch of her heart was writhing in pain. “aren’t her other movies pretty good? why do you all keep thinking about the things of the past?”

the driver laughed out loud. “that’s the difference between men and women. since she’s taken her clothes off, in our eyes, it’s difficult for her clothes to be put back on.”

ruan yang scoffed and clenched her fists so tightly that her nails dug into her skin.

after the two-hour ride, she didn’t even bargain for the cost of the ride when they arrived.

because of that, the driver even pointed out kindly, “walk along that road for another 10 minutes and you’ll see an old building. the general was filmed there.”

——————————

ruan yang adjusted her scarf. on the way there, she encountered a few tourists. there were blocks of old buildings by the side. the colors of the walls and tiles of the buildings were already dull.

she walked all the way until she reached an old building covered with dust and she felt incredibly uncomfortable.

the door wasn’t closed. she walked in step by step. no one could say how long it had been since the place was cleaned. with every step she took, she saw that the floor was covered with dust.

there were even some wooden benches painted in red and small blackboards against the wall. she picked up one of them and could faintly see the words: scene 9, assassination.

suddenly, it felt as though there was someone shouting savagely in her brain: “ruan yang, why are you still standing there like a fool? get here at once!”

she put the small blackboard down and walked upstairs. every inch of the place seemed utterly familiar. her experience here resurfaced all of a sudden, as though it was just yesterday.

she felt as though someone was talking to her secretly, behind her back, in a corner: “i really didn’t think ruan yang would end up like this. she used to be so popular. i don’t think it’s even been two years. now, she’s been reduced to taking on such a role. they said that this was a difficult role and it was equivalent to sacrificing yourself for art. many people fought for the role but they were all just mediocre female actresses.”

“haha, maybe she’s long been seen. it’s just a matter of being seen by a few people and being seen by a group of people. i don’t believe she doesn’t have a sugar daddy. look at her vixen-like face. i’ve already seen her making eyes at the director several times.”

…

“ruan yang, do you know how to act? i’m in a rush for time. i don’t have that much time to waste on you.”

“i’m sorry, sister rong. i have a fever today so i’m not feeling very well. please bear with me a little more.”

“everyone has days when they don’t feel well. why do you have so many excuses? do you really think you’re as popular as before? let me tell you—you’re just a forgotten actress. forgotten. no one wants to use you. if director zhang wasn’t kind enough to give you a chance, do you think you’d have the right to act with me?”

…

“ruan yang, why are you still standing there? take off your clothes quickly. all of them.”

“director zhang, you told me before that there would only be a few people around during this scene. why are there so many people here now?”

“they’re all staff members. can’t you see that everyone is busy? hurry up. everyone’s been preparing for this scene for days.”

“i… i can’t.”

“if you can’t then get lost. there are people who want your role. but you—you’re breaching your contract, so you have to compensate me for two months’ worth of losses. see if you can afford the compensation. i doubt you’ll even be able to for the rest of your life.”

“ruan yang, let me tell you. this is a sacrifice for art. even the winners of the best actress award have shot this kind of scene before. if you want to get back up on your feet, you need to have courage.”

…

“director zhang, you told me that there would be many parts that would be cut out. why’s the full version of my nude scene on the internet before the show has even been broadcasted, including all the behind-the-scenes footage? what’s the meaning of this? are you having fun at the expense of my dignity?”

“ruan yang, that was accidentally leaked by a staff member.”

“i’m not so dumb. all the videos of that scene were with you. how could the staff be able to leak them? i think you were just trying to use my nude scene as a marketing strategy so that more people would watch the movie. don’t you find such marketing ploys shameless? director zhang, to think that you’re a renowned director. i trusted and respected you and that was why i agreed to shoot this movie. what you’re doing is just despicable.”

“alright, just because i gave you some face doesn’t mean you can be rude to me. if you have what it takes, get some evidence to prove we did it. if you can’t find any evidence, then you’d better promote your new film well.”

…

ruan yang sat on the dusty bed in the old building. it was right here that she experienced the most painful and embarrassing moment of her life.

it was also here that xin ziao passed her a coat when she felt the most helpless.

when she lifted her head, she saw the concern and heartache in his eyes.

it was those eyes that made her unable to let go in the subsequent years.

however, no matter how much she wanted to forget that difficult past, it had been ever so clearly etched in her mind. for several years, she even dreamed about everything that happened here back then.

her tears had unknowingly flowed down her cheeks and even her sunglasses couldn’t hide them.

she took off her sunglasses and covered her eyes.

the memory was so heavy but she still recalled it.

although it was painful, she felt as though she was relieved of a burden. she didn’t know how she could’ve made it through those days without xin ziao by her side. no matter where she went, there were always people pointing fingers at her. yet, she couldn’t do anything. she didn’t even dare to cry and could only lift her head and chest up high forever.

…

suddenly, the sound of footsteps came from downstairs. she quickly wiped her eyes and put her sunglasses and scarf back on. when she lifted her head, she saw xin ziao coming up. he was wearing a black leather jacket and long pants. he had a dark blue checkered scarf around his neck and he looked at her with deep eyes.

ruan yang wasn’t shocked. she had long guessed that he might show up here.

she lowered her gaze.

xin ziao walked towards her and passed her a piece of tissue. “wipe your face. or do you want me to do it for you?”

ruan yang accepted the tissue and only wiped the tears under her sunglasses.

“you must’ve remembered something.” xin ziao looked at her. he sounded astringent. “this was where things started with us.”

“it’s also where we will end.” ruan yang held the tissue tightly and sighed softly.

xin ziao appeared to be in pain. “ruan yang, you’ve known me for so long. you should know that i’ve always been a proud man. if i wasn’t deeply in love with you, i wouldn’t have pestered you up until now. i’ve always hated men like that, but when i became one myself, i realized that’s the feeling of not being in control. i will get divorced from zhao zhu. within the past two months. i’ve already found a way. then we can leave the country. it wouldn’t matter even if we didn’t return. i’ve already prepared for this day for a very long time. the core of the company has mostly been shifted overseas. i know you hate this place too. i’ll be with you.”

“maybe you’ll do it this time.” ruan yang lowered her head. “but i no longer have the courage to take this risk with you anymore. after all, you always sounded so convicted, just like how you said you wouldn’t get married to zhao zhu but you still did. ziao, actually, your destiny isn’t in the hands of others—it’s in your own hands. this experience has made me understand many things. why must i wait for you? why do women have to wait? i, ruan yang, don’t need any promises. i also don’t need to believe you. i just need to believe in myself. i’ll do whatever i want.”

xin ziao was stunned.

ruan yang stood up slowly. “thank you for making me come here. this place has always been a place that caused me pain beyond anything i could withstand. behind my glamor is cowardice and inferiority. didn’t you get me a psychologist in the past? he told me to come back to this place to take a look, but i never dared to. i’m here now. but as i stand here, i suddenly realized why i was in so much pain. it was because you were always by my side. when i looked at you, i would think of everything that happened in the past. when i was with you, i loved you yet i was in terrible pain and felt inferior. that was the ruan yang of the past.”