Chapter 184 - Chapter 184: She’s Afraid of Losing Lu Zhiyuan
Chapter 184: She’s Afraid of Losing Lu Zhiyuan
Translator: Dragon Boat Translation Editor: Dragon Boat Translation
She was someone who lacked the desire to share. This experience and emotion, she couldn’t express them either. She didn’t simply fall in love with the dual personality of Lu Zhiyuan.
She also carried over from her past life the unhealed heartache and obsession.
Gu Ci concealed the abilities of Third Master and Ziyu, treating her own life as a story to tell. This storytelling went on for two hours intermittently, and Dr. North didn’t interrupt her.
Dr. North was taken aback internally. So, Cici had lived multiple lives. No wonder she had exceptional clinical skills and a constant hint of sorrow in her eyes. No wonder Cici knew she had been in prison. No wonder Cici’s movements were somewhat reminiscent of someone who had been incarcerated. That was indeed the case, a subconscious reaction. She had even wondered why Cici acted that way.
Now, everything made sense. Cici had truly been Cici’s master in a previous life.
Dr. North understood this deep down but didn’t reveal it.
Gu Ci only talked about her part in the story with Lu Zhiyuan, yet it was enough to make Dr. North feel for her. Whenever she saw her, Cici would rub her wrist. So, were Cici’s hands ruined because of her?
“Master, what should I do?”
Dr. North was an atheist, not believing in karma, reincarnation, or any sort of rebirth. Yet, Gu Ci’s emotions led her to believe that this was a real story, not a dream of Gu Ci’s.
“Cici, 1 won’t tell you how to choose. You must listen to your own heart. No one knows your choices but you,” Dr. North said. “But, Cici, you need to learn to love yourself before you can love others.”
Gu Ci looked at Dr. North in bewilderment. Only that kind of gaze made Dr. North feel that she was an eighteen-year-old girl. Dr. North held Gu Ci in her arms with a heart full of tenderness. She had never thought that Gu Ci had suffered so much.
“Those terrible memories have robbed you of the ability to love yourself. Your body has experienced multiple lives, yet your heart is still trapped in the sorrows of the previous one,” Dr. North said. “Let me ask you, if they all don’t love you, what would you do?”
A glint of determination flashed in Gu Ci’s eyes. “Lock them up! Make sure they can never leave me for their entire lives.”
Dr. North touched her cheek gently. “That’s harm, not love, Cici. This isn’t how you show love for someone.”
“I know I’m sick,” Gu Ci said, watching herself sink into madness with clarity.
“It’s okay,” Dr. North chuckled softly. “In the course of this long life, who hasn’t gone a little crazy once or twice? Don’t blame yourself, and don’t belittle or torture yourself. Those past hardships knocked you down. It’s not your fault. We shouldn’t carry other people’s sins in our hearts. Cici, leave your past self in the past. Don’t let her remain in the abyss, okay?”
Tears streamed down Gu Ci’s face, as if all the tears suppressed from the previous life were flowing out at once.
“Master, I can’t bring her back!” Gu Ci cried uncontrollably. “What should I do? I can’t bring her back.”
“Sweetie, don’t cry. Your tears are breaking my heart.” Dr. North tenderly stroked her long hair. When she remembered that she had once hurt Gu Ci’s hand, Dr. North’s eyes welled up too. She was certain—she liked Gu Ci. It couldn’t be for no reason that she had crippled her hand. “I will help you. I’ll help you.”
After a cathartic bout of crying, Gu Ci fell asleep beside Dr. North. Dr. North looked at her sleeping face, tear stains still glistening on her eyelashes. Physicians can’t heal themselves, as it has been since ancient times.
Cici needed a psychologist; her obsession was too deep, and it was a sickness.
The medicine for a troubled heart is a healed heart. Her best remedy, too, was Lu Zhiyuan.
Dr. North frowned, pulling up Gu Ci’s sleeve. There were no scars on her arm. After a moment’s hesitation, she lifted Gu Ci’s shirt, confirming the presence of bruises and burns on her abdomen, mostly new injuries. There were similar marks on her thighs.
When Gu Ci woke up, it was deep into the night.
“Master, I lost control.” She had cried herself to exhaustion and fallen asleep.
“Are you feeling a bit better emotionally?”
Gu Ci nodded. It was strange—things were still a mess, with no solution in sight, yet her heart did feel somewhat lighter.
“How long have you been having nightmares?”
“For… a few months.” She dared not sleep deeply at night. Whenever she did, nightmares would strike. It was somewhat better when she was at Global, knowing that Lu Zhiyuan was upstairs. But after moving to Blue Fields Villa, she had nightmares almost every night.
“Self-harm?”
Gu Ci was taken aback, pulling the blanket over her legs as she suddenly felt a chill. She knew she couldn’t hide it from Dr. North. “It’s been happening… I can’t control myself.”
Dr. North looked at her, full of distress. “Cici, are there still people and things you hold onto in this world?”
Gu Ci nodded, her eyes urgent. “I can’t bear it, so that’s why I self-harm. I’m afraid I’ll get worse and worse. Pain can keep me awake.”
“You need to see a psychologist,” Dr. North said. “I have some expertise in this area. Coming to me for help is also a way of self-rescue, isn’t it?”
Gu Ci nodded, not denying it. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have spoken up.
“You’ve walked into a dead end, Cici,” Dr. North said. “What you need to do is heal yourself and heal him. His situation is definitely not dual personalities. Once dual personalities emerge, there will be a struggle for control over the body, memories, and life skills. There’s no possibility of peaceful coexistence for over a decade. If I’m not mistaken, they must be the same person, just… 1 haven’t figured out why this situation arose.”
“Third Brother insists that 1 make a choice. What should 1 do?”
“Then you choose. What are you afraid of!” Dr. North chuckled. “Choose the one you want, then work on healing him. Don’t trap yourself in memories, always feeling that by choosing someone, you’re losing someone. You won’t lose anyone. Don’t be afraid to make choices. Even if you make the wrong ones, it’s okay. Our lives are a continuous series of choices. No one always gets it right.” Gu Ci felt a sudden sense of clarity, as if the door that had been confining her had cracked open slightly, allowing in a glimmer of light. She saw hope.
“You’re too afraid of losing Lu Zhiyuan,” Dr. North pinpointed the crux of the matter. “Leaving Global was a form of self-rescue. You’re trying to live a life without Lu Zhiyuan. In reality, losing someone isn’t as terrifying as you think. You’ve lost him before, gone mad over it, because he was the only pillar in your heart. Without him, your world crumbled. But observing your actions this lifetime, aside from him, you have other attachments, don’t you?”
Gu Ci nodded.
Dr. North looked at her. “Let me share a story with you, too. Perhaps you’ve heard it before. I once loved someone deeply, to the point of being willing to do anything for him. I was even willing to rebel against Chen Geng. Before falling in love with him, I had never even thought of resisting Chen Geng. Loving someone truly gives you conviction and strength. But 1 failed. I found that aside from death, 1 couldn’t escape Chen Geng. I didn’t end up with the person I loved. He had a bright future, what about me? 1 would only bring him misfortune, so I left without a word, cutting off all contact. I kept that love hidden in my heart, as a belief. Later, I broke free from Chen Geng’s grasp, and I went to find him. But he was gone, a false name, an empty house. I was also desperate. I had even thought, if I ever saw him again, I’d lock him up, demand why he deceived me, why everything was a lie. One day, I secretly went to see Little Cherry. She was eight years old by then, so beautiful. She lived carefree under the sun. All my resentment disappeared in that moment. I thought, if one day Little Cherry knew that I was her mother, I hoped she would be proud of her mother, not see me as someone filled with hatred, someone unrecognizable.”
Gu Ci had never heard this story before. Dr. North rarely spoke of her past.
“So, Cici, treat past hardships as a destined trial. You’ve overcome it. Don’t hold onto resentment,” Dr. North’s voice carried strength. “Lu Zhiyuan will love you, and your wish will come true. A bright future awaits.”
Gu Ci hugged Dr. North. “Okay, I’ll try my best.”
If she didn’t love herself, how could she learn to love others!