Chapter 90
Chapter 90: Live To Sienna Pt.90
“Yes. She came to see me in a short duration after hearing that I visit older brother often. It was the first time I met my mother in the Imperial Household. I was scared of her, but she’s still my mother… since she is my mother, I welcomed her. But after seeing me, she didn’t say anything warm like it’s been a long time, or that she missed me. Rather, she looked at me as if she was disgusted by me without saying a friendly word.”
It was also strange that her son had entered the unfamiliar imperial family at a young age and how she had never met him. But she couldn’t believe how she had nitpicked at him, getting angry.
“How could she have actually looked at her son abhorrently? But for her to have gotten angry over your close relationship to Carl is a little…”
At Sienna’s words, Valore smiled with a sullen face. She couldn’t bring herself to tell him that whenever his mother sees him, she looks at him as if she sees something dirty.
“It’s weird, isn’t it? The close and tenderly relationship between brothers becomes the reason for anguish and to be scolded by. My mother held me back. Older brother, Carl, and I are not meant to be brothers but to be competitors with each other. We have to contend with the only thing in the world. She said it was something I absolutely needed to obtain.”
Sienna knew that the only thing she meant was the ‘Emperor,’ but she didn’t make any useless remarks. Valore continued his speech with a miserable look.
“I asked if I could share it in half. If we get half of it together on good terms, there would be no reason to fight with each other at all then. After I stated so, she said, I can’t divide them into half. She said I couldn’t share it with anyone. So, I said I’ll give it to older brother, Carl, then. I told her I didn’t know what it was exactly and if it was really something to fight over about with older brother, Carl, so I told her to give it to older brother, Carl, if he wanted it.”
This story of a child, who had no idea what the position of the emperor was and said he would give it to his cold brother, felt so naive and lovely. On the other hand, she was worried about how he might have been scolded because she knew about Arya’s nature.
“What did the Empress say?”
Valore burst into a hapless grin on her question. His eyes were moistened.
“It didn’t involve speaking. She slapped me in the face.”
She knew how spicy her hands were because she had once experienced them before, and I’ve known them well. No matter how angry she was, he was only a six-year-old boy.
TN: spicy – In Korea, it’s a common term explaining the extremity/comparison between how hot a spice and situation or saying is. It is a way of explaining through spicy levels.
“It hurt so awfully much that my ears rang with deafness. She grabbed and shook me, saying if I knew what it was and was saying it knowing what it was so easily. She said if I end up not attaining it, she doesn’t need something like me at all and that there wasn’t any reason for me to have been born. She shook my younger self like that and said it all. It’s so vivid that it still sometimes appears in my dreams.”
Valore added it as humor jokingly, but it was clear that the shock of being denied by his mother at an early age remained as a trauma strong enough to come to his dreams.
“That’s a cruel thing to say.”
“At that time, although I didn’t understand what those words were about or what our conversation meant, but I nodded my head. I said that I would do what mother tells me to do and that if my mother wanted so, I would bring to her anything and everything she wanted. I told her I would do as she wished. I promised my mother that I would be what she needed me to become. After that, I couldn’t bear to bring myself to get closer to older brother, Carl. I felt like I was committing a serious crime.”
“It’s not Sir Valore’s fault.”
“No, I, to say, was quite cruel. I didn’t know until a few years later about what my existence to Carl actually meant.”
“…”
“I had become truly aware of my existence to my older brother, Carl, as the one who had to try to take everything away from him. It’s predestined to only be my brother’s; yet, something like me, appearing out of nowhere as a younger brother, was harboring a desire for his position. All the while, not knowing anything at all, I continuously called him older brother and kept following older brother, Carl, around. I can’t imagine how terrible he must have felt about me all that time as I did so. However, older brother, who is only but kind, didn’t really give up on me or cast me aside. I tried hard to ignore my guilty consciousness.”
He moistened his dry lips with wine.
“Seeing from another point of view, I told myself it may not be only older brother’s and that it could be mine as well. I tried to convince myself this countless of times by telling myself over hundreds, no, even thousands over of times again that I could have it, too. It may be mine as well.”
Valore looked into Sienna’s eyes and said so. There was something in his dark brown eyes, such as aspiration, being projected. Sienna felt like it was his confession.
“As if I had actually brainwashed myself, I became greedy. I want it, I’ll have it. But after my coming-of-age banquet, I saw this bottle of liquor that he had brought and placed in my room, saying it was a gift. That’s when I immediately became very conscious. I felt like I gave up being human and became a monster out of greed. I felt terrible about myself being greedy, knowing that I had to see blood between my brother and I in order to get to where we want. I thought he sent me the bottle after noticing my greed. So, of course, I thought there would be poison in the bottle.”
It was strange to think that Carl had poisoned the gift, but she understood why he thought so. Valore seemed to have thought Carl would poison himself since he had long been feeling guilty of covetousness.
“So, did you have some of the wine?”
“It’s just that I didn’t think it’d be so bad to die right there and then. I thought it would be good for everyone. I know that better than anyone. I don’t have the qualities to be a king. Rather than listening to conversations about politics, I’m the happiest when I am listening to music or playing an instrument. Even the teacher who taught me cesareanism was so messed up that I shook my head. In comparison, I felt like my brother was born to be an emperor.”
Although Valore had a difficult relationship with Carl, he still found himself respecting him deep down in his heart. Those feelings of his were still the same then and now.
“And he’s skillful in swordsmanship… when older brother says one word, everyone’s attention is on him. His teacher stated that he had finished all of his royal training within three years-time and that he had nothing more to teach, resigning from his position. If a fool like me becomes the emperor, it would be a nuisance to this country and only the people would suffer. In fact, it was too hard psychologically. It’s exhausting to have to fight for a position that you don’t want. That’s why I had drinks after drinks.”
Sienna asked Valore, assuming that the bottle would never have been poisoned.
“So, was there really poison in it?”
“Haha, no. It was just a good wine with a good taste and aroma. It was so delicious that I could cry. I think I cried the most on that day in all of my life.”
It must have been tears mixed with all kinds of emotions.
Frustration and emptiness, relief and sorry, resentment and gratitude. The complex emotion aroused his tears.
Even now, when he thought about it, he felt like he was crying and weeping all over again. He didn’t even realize that he had shed tears and smiled in disarray with a blank look.
“I made a pledge then.”
“What kind of commitment are you making?”