Chapter 610
People do not change. His thoughts on that still did not change. He could tell just how static and unshakable human nature was, from just looking at the news. Those that were imprisoned for fraud would aim for other people’s pockets even after they leave. Sexual criminals would also chase the weak again in order to prove their superiority. Prison might be a very special experience, but that special experience did not change the evil nature of mankind. There might be some rare cases where a strong experience changes a view a person has on life as a whole, but changing one of their views and changing their ways was definitely different. “I didn’t intend to do it” - this excuse that appeared on the news every time just showed how hard it was to change a man.
That was why he always maintained a minimum distance. That distance was an insurance of sorts to minimize damage in case something happened. Being close to the center of the explosion would mean a higher degree of burn. People were all walking explosives. The reason they didn’t explode was because a strand of reason suppressed primitive instinct. Despite the 12 years of education from elementary school to high school, the reason there was no end to accidents was proof that there was something violent and impulsive laying inside humans.
He always kept a safe distance in order to not get hurt, and in order to run away. When he approached something without putting a safe distance between them, he did it with a sense of duty; the resolve to bear the burden of the danger in that person’s stead. Only when he had the confidence to not regret being with that person in the face of an explosion, did he remove that minimum insurance and enter the range of that person.
Ever since he came back to life, the number of people he did that with could be counted on one hand. He had already experienced the pains given to him by other people. He knew that there were people without ulterior motives, but the likelihood that it was the opposite was much higher. People would split up into different factions even under a forced grouping like a class. In society, he smiled in front of other people and insulted them from behind. He couldn’t be an upright person, he was sneaky, petty, and narrow-minded. From the view of a narrow-minded person, the world was filled with similarly narrow-minded people. He became even more cautious, and became even more wary; so that he didn’t get hurt; so that he did not make losses.
“I’d like pizza bread and milk.”
Maru handed the cafeteria lady the money before getting the food. Now, he just had to go up to the 3rd floor and meet the people from the film production club. It was like any other meeting and any other shoot, but today, Maru would take a big step towards them.
A world of narrow-minded people that a narrow-minded person sees. Until just a while ago, that frame the world was in was too sturdy and nothing seemed able to break it. He thought that it was natural to meet other people with a mask on his face and that the expression of his hostility towards people that approached him without being on their guard as a method of survival. He returned from the end of his life to the beginning, so his defense mechanism declared that he must not fail again. However, a crack appeared in the frame of that world. He didn’t know where it came from, nor when it happened, but what he could be sure of was that he was different from before.
When he realized that, he felt a little afraid. After all, the entity known as ‘myself’ was approaching something completely different from what he intended to aim for unbeknown to him. What would’ve happened if he did not realize the change that occurred within himself? It was just an assumption, but he might have become a gentle young man. He had the feeling that that would be the case. He would be kind to everyone, would help other people out, and be praised for stepping up for things that other people did not want to do. In other words, a model Han Maru.
“Han Maru, where are you going?”
“To shoot a movie.”
“What the, you’re working again? Let’s play soccer. We need a winger.”
“Let me in tomorrow. I can do tomorrow.”
“Really? You can really join us tomorrow?”
Then I’ll make a bet with the mechanicals class! - his classmate added before walking down the stairs. Maru threw the bread at the fellow that was getting further away.
“Thanks!” the guy said with a weird pronunciation.
A tenderhearted Han Maru. Maru thought for a long time about why his nature changed without him knowing it. He was living in a world that was only possible through a miracle, so he couldn’t really ask anyone else. The only thing he could do was to contemplate and look for an answer by himself. What was fortunate was that he wasn’t that stupid.
The conclusion he arrived at after some deduction was that he noticed the change in himself after something strange happened a few days ago. The day he opened his eyes on the sofa, Maru had a warm dream. He woke up from the dream after acting like a baby in the warmth that enveloped his whole body. In that dream, he saw a white rabbit. It was a happy dream. However, that morning, he kept crying for reasons unknown to him.
A happy dream and tears. These two definitely didn’t fit together. Some people might cry out of happiness, but Han Maru was definitely not such a person.
A happy dream, tears for reasons unknown, and then the change in his personality that was occurring outside of his conscious. Just as he was thinking about these three seemingly independent clues, he was reminded of the conversation he had with writer Lee Hanmi. Where are memories stored?
Memories. The moment he focused on that word, he came up with a hypothesis. Ever since he came back to life, his memories were slowly fading away. According to that angel-like woman, the memories weren’t disappearing. They were sinking below his subconscious, but that didn’t change the fact that he couldn’t remember them.
Slowly disappearing memories.
Tears that appeared without reason.
An inner change that occurred without him realizing it.
He experienced the miracle of reliving his life thanks to the god’s help, but there was still a sense of order and logic in that process as well. This phenomenon should have been caused by something as well. When he played around with some fragments of his memory and fit them together like a puzzle, he came up with a plausible progression.
If human emotions - including love, which is said to transcend everything - are based on memories, then human nature, or personality, should also be rooted in memories as well. Maru believed that his loving heart would not change even if he did not have his memories. That was why he replied confidently during the conversation with Hanmi, that his feelings towards her would not change even if his memories disappeared.
However, it seemed that he was wrong. If the foundations of what made up the human known as Han Maru collapsed along with the disappearance of his memories, he couldn’t guarantee anything.
The proof of that should be the change in his nature. He was turning into a more open-minded self without him knowing it. Thinking about it now, it was pretty strange. Giving other people advice, talking to other people on his own accord, being kind to others more than necessary were all definitely not in line with the way of living he maintained until now. What made him feel afraid was that he couldn’t notice that change despite the fact that he was at the center of it.
Tears that appeared without reason.
On the day Maru opened his eyes on the sofa, he came to a potential conclusion that he had lost something very important to him. Something unimaginable must have happened before he had the happy dream with the rabbit that seemed like Gaeul. If some of his memories were rooted out, and the only thing that remained was the tears with the emotions erased, then just what was the dream he had back then?
Right now, he couldn’t think of anything no matter how hard he focused. He just remembered the warmth. The warmth similar to Gaeul’s.
He might be taking things a little too far, but he may actually have realized the dangerous change that occurred within himself precisely because he felt her warmth in his dream. If he acted normally that day like he always did, Han Maru might have become a completely different person. Of course, this was all an assumption. It was impossible to find a concrete formula for a life that could only exist because of a miracle.
‘The change has already occurred.’
He believed that humans could not change, but the god changed his nature as though to toy with his thoughts.
He noticed the change in his nature and acted accordingly, but he was already feeling a lot more leisurely at heart. His wariness towards others also relaxed considerably. If he consciously sharpened himself, he might be able to act like before, but acting like that at this point would make him feel very fatigued. It had changed from a reflexive and mechanical response to conscious action.
He also realized that he would never be able to return to how he was in the past. Since that was the case, he was only left with one option.
Adaptation.
He had to suppress that dramatic change as much as possible to protect the ego that was himself and change only within the realm of tolerability. At the same time, there was now one more thing he had to do alongside that.
It was to make memories with Gaeul.
He felt fear from the disappearance. That was why he had to prepare. If it was the god’s will that made his memories disappear and change his nature, even if it was something he could not resist, he should at least struggle.
He would consolidate the ties he made with Gaeul so that he could keep loving her even if all of the memories of his previous life became blank. Maru chose to stand on the same stage as her as the method of doing that. He would work on the same piece as her, breathe the same air as her, and spend time together.
He might be being foolish. Gaeul might despise him if she found out. She might get fed up with him trying to artificially create a tower of love.
Despite that, Maru did not want to let go.
He did not want to let go of the woman named Han Gaeul.
“I’m here,” Maru said as he opened the classroom door.
The people from the film production club welcomed him.
“We can start shooting immediately, right?”
“Of course.”
“Let’s finish it off well and get that prize.”
“Maru-seonbae. You want the prize?”
“I do now. I think I’m going to need it in the future.”
“I’d love to get it too. Well then. Our main character’s will to act is burning up! Let’s start immediately!”
Maru spat out a short breath when he heard Sora’s shout. He then walked up to Ando, who was looking at the camera.
“If you don’t like the angle, then tell me anytime. I’ll try to match you as much as possible.”
“Oh, alright. But looking at how things are going right now, I don’t think I’ll have anything to say to you. I mean, you’ve been doing great until now. Also, what would a beginner like me know?”
“Everyone has the same eyes. Since it’s the last bit, we should make sure to end things cleanly. If you want to ask me to do something while shooting, then tell me immediately. A camera director is also a director.”
Ando stared at him before slowly nodding.
“Please take care of me.”