903 I want to be wrong
What happens after death?
Would everything go blank like a switch turned off? Or would there be something else?
Humans would delve into this rabbit hole at some point or another. But Enigma never had a problem with this topic.
For her, death was no worse than the darkness she lived in. Maybe it was better because she wouldn’t have to be so helpless.
Like now…
Enigma struggled to break the darkness that enveloped her. It seemed unending and invincible. Even as she thrashed with all her might, the darkness held her down and prevented her from breaking free.
‘I…’
Enigma felt her breath grow weak.
‘I have to…’
As she felt her consciousness fade into that very murky darkness, a pillar of light broke in and grabbed her away.
“Haaaah!” Enigma gasped as she opened her eyes and glanced around frantically.
The hard floor made of blue stone, the cracked walls, the moss in the corners, and the humid air all told her that she was no longer in the clutches of that darkness.
“Are you fine?” A stiff voice reached her and Enigma turned around to see Sarah sitting in the corner of the cave with her hands wrapped around her knees.
“I…” Enigma wanted to say yes, but her mind flashed with the last of Varian she saw.
He was surrounded by the Undead and continued fighting despite the accumulating injuries. He fought even though knowing he’d lose and die. He fought to buy time for the two of them to escape.
He…
Enigma walked to the wall opposite Sarah and collapsed against it. “What do you plan to do?”
Sarah buried her head in her knees and remained silent.
Out of Sarah and Sia, the former was the optimistic one. Even if things went from bad to worse, Sarah would be the one to say everything was going to work fine.
But the same girl now maintained a depressing silence.
Enigma’s face also showed a sorrowful expression. Even though everything happened in front of her eyes, she didn’t want to believe it.
No matter what challenges he faced, Varian overcame them and grew stronger. Enigma firmly believed him to be a man destined for a great adventure.
It didn’t matter if he wasn’t that man, but how could he just…
‘If he didn’t return for me, no, if he didn’t return for Sia, then he could’ve survived…’ Enigma clenched her fists and closed her eyes.
Varian’s final words with Sarah were done through psychic power. So, Enigma didn’t know the complete story.
Yet, as she recalled those fateful moments, again and again, Enigma began to hate herself.
She indeed sacrificed herself for the safety of Varian and Sarah. Yet, when Varian returned to save her, she was ecstatic despite knowing he was putting his life at risk.
What kind of happiness was that? Why did she behave so selfishly?
‘Maybe if I died early, then he would’ve left the place. I didn’t die…I kept fighting…I…’ Enigma’s thoughts spiraled into a dangerous direction.
With every passing second, her heart hurt more.
Even when the Shadow Guardians were indiscriminately slaughtered, Enigma didn’t feel so heartbroken.
It felt like a piece of her flesh was carved out and a huge hole was drilled into her heart. The void inside her screamed, saying it’d never be filled.
‘Varian is not coming back.’
After so long, it finally hit Enigma. She staggered back and hit the wall. Then the strength in her legs vanished and she slid against the wall as tears spilled from the corner of her eyes.
“Var…Varian…no, this is false.” Enigma collapsed onto the ground and looked at the floor with blank look.
“Don’t die! You are an idiot! I told you again and again! Don’t risk your life!” She had been telling him ever since they met. Time and time again.
Don’t join in the Valos.
Don’t try to save the planets.
Don’t fight against the Abyssals.
Don’t join the war.
“You never listened! I told you this was going to happen!” Enigma gritted her teeth as tears flowed down her cheeks. “I just asked you not to die because…because Sia will be sad…I will be sad. You bastard!”
The moments where she reprimanded Varian after his every near-death experience flashed in Enigma’s mind.
Every time she complained, lectured, and grumbled, he’d listen obediently. Then, he’d say with a cheeky smile. “I’m courting death. But the lady never let me in.”
“You did it.” Enigma smiled sadly through tears. “Death is yours.”
“Maybe not.”
Enigma turned to Sarah who was staring at her with a serious expression and wiped her tears away. “I’ve seen it with my eyes, he…”
“Varian said he had a way,” Sarah bit her lip and said forcefully as if she wanted to believe it to be the truth no matter the logic. “He will come back. He must.”
“Does love make one so crazy?” Enigma sighed.
“…” Sarah closed her eyes and controlled herself from crying.
If she cried, it meant she accepted Varian’s death. She wanted to believe he was still alive.
“This place is where death and rebirth occur miraculously. Even after death, Varian can return.” Sarah spoke about the only reasoning she could think of.
“…but he will have no memory of anything. It’s no longer him.” Enigma got up and walked to the entrance of the cave.
“He lost his memories of Sia once, didn’t he? It’s the same now.” Sarah said and stood up.
Enigma turned back and shook her head at Sarah. “These two aren’t the same. Varian will now have no memory of anything. He’ll only act on his instincts. It’s over.”
Sarah narrowed her eyes and the cave cooled down. Her chilly voice sounded. “You just won’t stop. What are you trying to do?”
Despite the sudden hostility, Enigma didn’t change her expression. She removed the boulder blocking the cave and stepped out.
With her back to Sarah, she said in a firm voice. “I want to search him. Undead or reborn.”
Sarah was taken aback. “…Why? Didn’t you just say he won’t be the same?”
“I believe that.” Enigma nodded and looked at the orange horizon. “But I want to be wrong.”